They flail around like drunk toddlers armed with pool noodles, often missing each other entirely and falling over with a wet slap. Simply watching two lone enemies duel is hilarious. Either way, the result is the same – a ridiculous debacle. Depending on whether you’re playing in campaign or sandbox mode, you arrange either your army or both armies as you see fit. The result is, basically, a procedural comedy generator. Instead, every sword-swing and cannon-shot is powered by the game’s highly elastic physics engine. There’s equally no attempt to replicate authentic battle strategy or combat tactics. Regardless of what historical era or myth they derive from, every combatant in TABS is represented as a goggle-eyed, flaccid-limbed mannequin that, depending on which side it’s on, is coloured either red or blue. Unlike the local pub bore banging on about why Richard the Lionheart would definitely beat a World War 1 Tank (he wouldn’t), TABS does not try to take its patently absurd question seriously. You can pit cavemen against medieval knights, samurai against Greek hoplites, renaissance musketeers against farmers (that iconic fighting force). The premise is that classic pub question of “Who would win in a fight between X and Y?” Yet rather than dealing in one-on-one hypotheticals, such as Batman versus Bruce Lee, Totally Accurate Battle Simulator broadens the scope to historical and mythical armies. Basically, you get a lot more out than what you put in, and right now that makes TABS my best friend in the whole world. It requires minimal focus and caters perfectly to an abridged attention span, yet from this generates a massive amount of variety, spectacle, and humour. Totally Accurate Battle Simulator is the perfect game to review during a particularly intense period of parenthood-induced sleep deprivation.
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